One guy’s attempt to encourage some other guys
Some time back, a good friend invited me to a men’s retreat. It was themed after the movie Band of Brothers, and the overarching goal was to encourage men to encourage men. We spent the weekend eating too few vegetables, playing in the woods, and watching a bunch of violent movies.
It was great. I loved every minute of it and walked away deeply encouraged.
With God’s help, I’d like to “pay it forward” by offering you some encouragement as we head into Father’s Day Weekend.
Over the course of that weekend in the woods, somebody gave me a copy of a small book that has had a huge impact on how I parent, lead and interact with my wife.
The book was You Have What It Takes: What Every Father Needs to Know by John Eldridge. In it, he makes a powerful—and convicting—argument about the tremendous influence dad’s have over their children.
His argument is simple:[1]
- Every boy who’s ever lived has been driven by one question: Do I have what it takes?
- To girls, he says you’ve been asking a different but equally powerful question your whole lives: Am I worth it?
As our adult neediness often attests: we never stop looking for people to answer “Yes” to those questions.. We simply adapt our behavior based on the phase of life.
Whether it’s a fast bicycle or a fast car, men are constantly trying to prove ourselves.
Do I have what it takes? Am I tough enough? Big enough? Smart, funny, powerful, successful enough? The games boys play never really change. They all have the same goal: generate enough adventure, danger, and conquest to prove we have what it takes.
Conversely, girls play a very different—but just as consistent—set of games throughout the course of their lives. To quote the author:
Boys may have invented hockey, but little girls invented games like “wedding day” … and “rescue the princess.” You don’t have to teach them to do it—it comes naturally as part of their design.
-John Eldredge
At the center of all those games is a woman who has value. Whether she’s the star of her own wedding or the princess being rescued from the tower, you’re going to find a woman who was worth the effort.
Dad’s Role
But—here’s the catch—regardless of who’s asking the question, boys and girls alike are looking to dad for the answer.
Our moms meet an entirely different set of needs. It’s from mom we learn unconditional love, tenderness, and mercy. “But identity—especially as it pertains to gender—can only be bestowed by the father.”
To put it simply:
- Boys learn they have what it takes to be a man (or not) from their dad.
- A girl comes to believe she’s a woman of value (or isn’t) by the way her dad treats her.
Seen in this light, dads carry a tremendous amount of responsibility.
That part (responsibility) won’t come as a surprise to most guys. We’re usually aware of the weight we’re called to carry, and for the most part, we don’t mind. But, this next statement is not as self-evident.
Dads: you have what it takes to give your kids the confidence they need.
It’s the father who is designed to resolve our fundamental uncertainties and, in turn, help us become secure, contributing members of society.[2]
Our Voices are Loud for a Reason
Until a man knows he’s a man, he’ll shrink back from anything that might prove him unworthy. Or, he’ll spend his entire life wounding others to compensate for his insecurity. But, dad’s have the power to change all of that.
Dads: you have what it takes to give your kids the confidence they need. #dad #fathersday Click To TweetMen—when you validate your son’s ability to be a man, you’re giving him a priceless gift. It’s a gift only you can give.
Addressing the impact fathers have on daughters, Eldridge writes:
“Research data show that sexual promiscuity among teenage girls is almost directly related to an absent father…If he starves her for his words, his delight, his attention, she will look for those things elsewhere.”
-John Eldredge
Dad–no one will have the impact on your daughter that you will. Show her she’s a valuable woman worthy of effort and adoration. Your voice carries more weight than you realize. Use it to shatter your daughter’s self-doubt before it can take hold.
Resistance
Whenever I share all of this with the men in my circles, invariably I get some kind of resistance. A lot of guys just don’t believe they’re capable of doing something so vital.
Some guys blame low self-esteem. Others blame their wives or the fact that their own parents “failed me when it mattered most.”
Dads–Your voice carries more weight than you realize. Use it to shatter your daughter’s self-doubt before it can take hold. #dad #fathersday Click To TweetWhile all those explanations may be valid, they don’t change what your kids need from you:
- Your son needs you to tell him, “I love you and I’m proud of you.”
- Your daughter will thrive and flourish as you convince her, “You are more valuable than gold, and I love you deeply.”
You Have What it Takes
The good news, dads, is that we can do this.
Our kids don’t know the extent of the baggage we’re carrying or the wounds we’ve suffered. They have no idea you’re so insecure and afraid of failing all the time.
They see a larger-than-life dad who has what it takes, and they need to know they do too. So, tell them.
From the Fray,
-bill
[1] Some would say it’s too simple. Does Eldridge oversimplify the inner workings of our complex human hearts? Maybe, but I still think he’s on to something.
[2] This, of course, is not meant to cut God out of the equation. Just the opposite: our value and worth ultimately comes from our Heavenly Father. It’s his gracious love that allows us on earth to say, “This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased.” (Matt 3.17)