When couples come to my office for marriage counseling [1], one of the phrases I hear most often is, “I just don’t love her/him anymore.” When Hannah and I endured what we now refer to as the “black hole” of our relationship, few days went by when we didn’t say those very words to each other. But, whether you asked the Black Hole Era Mesaehs or any couple sitting in my office, “What’s love supposed to look like?” the answer you’ll usually get is, “I don’t know, but this ain’t it.” [2]
What does love look like?
So, if we don’t know what love looks like, how can we know if we “have it?” One psychologist developed the “triangular model [3]” of love to help us understand that lovin’ feeling. He says love is made up of the three components:
Passion
Young love is a flame; very pretty, very hot and fierce,
but still only light and flickering.
The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals,
deep-burning, unquenchable.
–Henry Ward Beecher
Passion is the raw, sensual, biological side of love. It makes our hair stand up, spine tingle, and motivates us to always have fresh breath whenever our mate is around. Passion is hot, physical, and often leads to sex [4]. Sex is God’s intended target for the passionate side of this triangle. Song of Solomon (the Bible’s manual for a passionate marriage) opens up with all passions roaring:
Song of Solomon 1:2 (NLT)
2Kiss me and kiss me again, for your love is sweeter than wine.
However, passion turns immature and self-seeking if it is not linked with intimacy.
Intimacy
Intimacy is all about emotions. When you have it, home feels warm. It produces friendship, companionship, closeness, and the ability to really know someone. Couples who lack intimacy are unable to communicate, and they often feel like two strangers living in the same house. This can become a two-edged sword, because the best way to cultivate intimacy is to spend time talking, playing [5], planning, and simply “doing life” together. What’s intimacy look like in the Bible?
Genesis 2:24–25 (NLT)
24 This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife,
and the two are united into one.
25 Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.
Commitment
Commitment is the grown-up, thinking, willful side of love. It says, “I love you—not because of how you make me feel—but because I choose to love you.” Commitment banks on a future that’s not here yet. It’s the side of the triangle that endures a relationship’s cold seasons. In short, it’s the reason we know our mate will stay even when our breath isn’t minty fresh [6]. Jesus says it clearly:
Mark 10:9 (NLT)
9 let no one split apart what God has joined together.”
Sloppy Triangles
So, when a couple says they no longer “feel in love,” it’s most often because they don’t talk anymore, he’s stopped buying her flowers, she stopped brushing her teeth, or either one of them forgot what it means to pinky swear your way into a forever-obligation. The triangle hasn’t disappeared, it’s just become sloppy. The sides are uneven. We assume we’ve “fallen out of love” (quite possibly the phrase most destructive to the gift of marriage) when we’re only judging the whole triangle by one broken leg.
- Love without passion is companionship at best, dry at worst. You can get the same thing from a golden retriever [7].
- Love without intimacy is shallow and foolish. Intimacy provides stabilizing knowledge that you can’t get any other way.
- Love without commitment is immature and “hopelessly romantic.” NBC made an entire show about it in the 90s: Friends.
All relationships go through stages where one leg is shorter than the other. Stages of life change, so our marriages adapt to carry us through. Commitment comes along to say, “I’m staying with you for better or for worse.” Intimacy provides a friend when all other friends disappear. Passion motivates us to develop intimacy and commit to a life-long partnership.
Going the Distance
What’s the key to a marriage that goes the distance? Not basing your love on a sloppy triangle. When passions run low, use that time to cultivate intimacy—get to know each other on an even deeper level. When conversations seem shallow or communication is difficult, rely on the glue of commitment to carry you through. [8]
Only then will you be able to say: “We’ve put a lot of miles on this marriage. It has been exasperating, elating, horrible, wonderful, shackling, freeing. It has been our single most intimate source of conflict and of joy. Still, it has so much to offer.” [9]
Chime In
What’s your definition of love?
[1] Or, “relationship enhancement” for the Type A readers.
[2] Yes, I know ain’t ain’t a word, but everybody uses it. If my high school grammar teacher is reading this from heaven, I’m sorry.
[3] Robert Sternberg, “A triangular Theory of Love,” Psychological Review 93 (1986): 119-35.
[4] Which, in turn, leads to an increase in bedroom door locks once children gain the gift of mobility.
[5] Replacing intimacy with passion is most men’s goal and most women’s fear. “Why talk? Let’s just have sex.” vs. “Sex again? We need to talk first.” Yay.
[6] Which leads to that age-old battle between those who brush their teeth and those who don’t.
[7] But not a cat.
[8] Or, if you’re married, have sex then talk about it later. Win win.
[9] Quoted from: Parrot & Parrot: Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts